Narcissism at its finest!

Birthday hat and card courtesy of Grace Gerten

Today I celebrate my 35th birthday.  36th but we acknowledge that first one as 0, when really it's birth day 1!  I don't get that either.

I love my birthday.  Not because I can make it all about me but because it gives me a chance to reflect back on the past year and my life thus far.  Although making it about me is always been a fav of mine!

So my reflection:

I always pictured 35 as a milestone that would mark me at a different place in my life.  I don't feel sad that I'm not in that place but I sure thought I would be. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am in a great place!  I have a wonderful family, great job, fabulous children, stupendous husband, and good friends.  But wow 35!!  HOLY COW!  I can round up to 40 already. 

I thought I would have my master's degree in education by now.  And it bugs me that I still am scared to go back to school. I'm 35 for Pete's sake.  It's something that can be done. I don't know what fear is holding me back.  Is it money?  Is it committment to school? Is it fear of failure?  School was always very difficult for me both academically and socially.  To think that I would go back and fail a class makes me have major anxiety that I just want to stuff in a nice box, tape it shut, and throw it out to sea.  So if I could magically get my master's degree in education that would be great!  Accio master's degree!

One other thing I thought was that my mom would be here with me celebrating with us.  It still is weird and lame that she is gone.  Grace, Auddie girl, and I went to her grave today.  It was nice to talk to her. Both girls were sitting on my lap and we just sat and thought about Nana for awhile.

I also thought that my children would be older by this point.  I'm still in disbelief that I have  a toddler at this point.  They are the highlights of my day but I was thinking they'd be pushing 8-10ish. 

One thing I have learned in my 35 years is that there is a reason everything happens the way it does.  God has a plan for me and I just have to hitch on for the ride and trust in that.  It may not be what we might want but it's what He wants for us and that is so much more important.

But here is the CLINCHER:

What realy stinks about hitting the mid 30's is that I FINALLY figured out how wonderful lfe is.  I get it now. I understand what to celebrate, what to shun, and what is most important in the grand scheme of things.  But why oh why did it have to be in my 30's? Why don't we get that opportunity in our teens?   Life would have been so much easier and wonderful if I knew then what I know now.

Maybe that means I will live a healthy, happy life until my late 100 teens or so!  Because I feel as if I discovered the secret of life in seeing how wonderful it is.

So Happy birthday to me!  Here's to a great year with endless possibilities. 

Mwah!

PS I'll read this in my  40's and think about how I always make things all about me.  You should have seen me in my 20's.  Sheesh.

Ramblings on a Tuesday

Hey ya'll!

* Hot.  It's that.  Here.  And even though they aren't going through puberty, 2nd graders get stinky on hot days like this in a non-air-conditioned classroom.  Yesterday we had the "please wash your hair, body parts etc, and change your clothes to somewhat clean clothes before you come to school" talk.  It went fairly well considering only 1 student showed up in the same exact outfit that he wore yesterday in the 97 degree heat!  Props to my little people!

*Donny Osmond:
I have been working on an open letter to Donny Osmond that I will eventually post to my blog (it has to be muy perfecto).  I've decided that basically our paths will cross one day.  I'm not sure when or how but I eagerly anticipate our meet and greet!  I do secretly love him, ya know.

* Did you see the ridiculous fish on the left of my blog?  Yeah, somehow I have time to apply silly apps to my blog but not update.  Hmm. . . riddle me that people!

* Lost rocked.  So sad it is over.  Love that I followed that show for as long as I did and am pleased with the outcome.  Hurley rocks!

*12 more days of school with my second graders!  I can't believe how quickly it all went.  This has been an incredibly challenging year and I'm thrilled and depressed that it's all over in such a short time.  There's an uncanny problem that the students that give you the hardest problems are the ones that you will miss the most.  After this year, I'm going to be crying daily!

*Next year I will be moving onto 1st grade and then looping with them onto 2nd grade.  WHAT.  THE.  HECK.  WAS.  I. THINKING.  when I made that choice??  It should be an interesting two years.  The might not be able to read after second grade but they sure will know how to behave!

*My principal is retiring this year.  I'm horribly sad about this as she has been someone whom I trust, care for and admire. She's been at our school for MANY MANY years and now is the time for her to move to her next phase in life.  She is an amazing woman. . .she is an artist that has sold her work, a horsewoman, skier, and has been featured in The Star Tribune for the beautiful garden she and her husband made in their yard.  She loves dogs and always has made a theme based on her worldly travels for opening week of the school year.  We've had ostrich  themes, American themes, dog themes, planting and sowing seeds themes and so on.

She has always planned the most amazing staff appreciation luncheons and given us the coolest gifts.  She attends meetings and has great things to say.  She tells great stories and is always ready to lend an ear to any problem I have.  She has no children but has the unbelievable ability to understand what it's like to have children and be a teacher. 
I would say more but I think you get the drift!
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To end this post, here are some photos from the sprinkler that Bubba, Gracie and neighbors Max and James ran through on Sunday.

Es todo por ahora.  See you later!

This is Bubba playing. She did this.

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asdfsdfadasdfasdfaddddddddddddadfasddddddddddddddddddddddddddddhere we go

HRH, Princess Grace Elizabeth Gerten

My sweet first baby is now a 6 year old.  A SIX YEAR OLD?  When did that happen? 

HRH had three birthday celebrations to ring in this newest year.

Her first celebration was shared with her cousin Andrew who also had a March birthday. 

Grace and Andrew opening presents.

Grace likey likey.

Auddie likey likey G's present.

REALLY likey likey.

This was a really special present because it was from Nana.  She had bought it before she died and my dad found it right in time for G's birthday!

The neighborhood kids playing LARP and singing happy birthday to Grace.

Andrew's yummy pie.

Gracie's cake.

The cousins.

From left Megan, Troy, G, Brady, Lenny (uncle), Bubba, and Andrew (already in the pie - thatta boy!)

Megan and G playing LARP.

More LARP.

That was just one celebration! 

Next post: Celebration #'s 2 and 3.

Love you Grace Elizabeth Gerten.  You are my favorite 6 year old.

Thank you for making me a mom!

Bubba in nature

I walked through nature and icky stuff to get these pictures of Auddie girl.  Enjoy!

Yes, she is a girl!  I realized afterward that she totally has boy clothes on . 

Colors of the blog

No that's not a new Spice Girls song. 

Are the colors good?  Does Susan need to come fix my blog???? 

Help me and my unartisticness.

No snappy title for my blog today. . . just some pictures of our family outing to  Underwater World at the Mall of America on Sunday.

Silly girl!

How about a nice smile please?

Really?  Can't you just smile?

If you are a Gerten tell me this DOES NOT look like Troy or Brady!

Self portrait

aka

Inhale deeply mom - your nostrils need to get bigger!

She was squealing she was so excited to see the fishies.  Check out the ginormous snapping turtle in the middle of the picture at the corner of the tank.

I love the reflection in the glass.

She is such a good big sister!

I wish G was looking at the camera!  I do love this picture.  Auddie totally looks European.  She should model for an Ikea ad.

Can't figure out why they have an indoor Minnesota at Underwater World.  Whatevs.

G and Mr. Sharky

Peace!

Touching starfish.  She was grossed out.  To tell the truth so was I.  I even owned one when I was young.  WHY WOULD YOU EVER BUY YOUR CHILD DEAD SEA ANIMALS???  EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Holy cow I LOVE this child!

That was our day at Underwater World. 

Question for you readers:

Tell me why SO many people who do not need to take an elevator, take the elevator.  Drives me nuts.

Dwelling

Hi.  Right now I'm dwelling.  I'm dwelling on my mom's passing and sitting here thinking about how life isn't fair.  My mom got dealt a crappy hand of cards.  She wouldn't have even been able to pull off two of a kind and World Poker is out of the question.

I was talking with my dad tonight and expressing with him how she got dealt such a bad hand and how life wasn't fair for her from the time she was born.  I then asked God, "What's the point?  Why did you bring someone into this life to struggle frequently?  What is her legacy?" 

Then I thought, "WE are her legacy.  Her children (who albeit were somewhat whacked due to being Army brats) are her legacy.  Somehow we all turned out ok due to her ways in raising us.  Her marriage to my dad for 38 years is her legacy.  Her hard working philosophy is her legacy.  Her ability to survive what she dealt with growing up and coming out relatively unscathed is her legacy.  Her being an Army wife is her legacy.

The list went on and on from there and put the loss of my mom into (a little) more perspective.  Don't get me wrong - I'd love to have one more converstaion with her about life but it makes this grieving process just a wee bit easier knowing that she has managed so many good things.

Below is a copy of her eulogy that my brother Rob wrote for her funeral.  I haven't read this or seen it since her funeral three years ago and I don't want to read it now because  I don't want to cry.  But I want it here so it's available for me in time.




***************************************************

Mom’s Eulogy




Thank you all for joining my family to commemorate the life of my mom. You may have known her as a wife, mother, sister, relative, friend, colleague or simply, as Nana. Regardless of the relationship, mom touched all of our hearts in one way or another.



Mom was born and raised in St. Cloud but moved around quite a bit as a child. Mom met dad in 1967 and they were married in 1969. During their 37 years of marriage, they raised 3 children, Stacey, Lori and myself. Mom spent much of her career caring for other people. She worked as a nurse in the Emergency Unit at Saint Joe’s hospital and later went on to work in Hospice at Lake Ridge Nursing Home where she gave much of herself to help those who were suffering. Mom eventually left nursing and moved into Sales and Advertising and soon after built a respectable advertising business. It was a profitable enterprise and she took great pride in the quality of her product. Mom, with her affable personality, was exceptional at sales and enjoyed working with her clients. She never sacrificed the quality of her magazine or the service she provided for her clients. On the day she was taken to the hospital, even after suffering a severe stroke, she attempted several times to unhook the IVs connected to her so she could get out of bed to go home and start this quarter’s magazine. Her clients were depending on her and she wasn’t going to let them down. With some extra coaxing, she finally settled down but then proclaimed, “Well…, this is a fine kettle of fish.” We had never heard her say these words but she would utter them a couple more times while in the hospital, as she was aware of her circumstances and knew they weren’t good. We later learned this was something her father often said.



Family was the greatest source of joy in mom’s life. She was so proud of all of us. While growing up, mom was active in many of our activities such as CCD, Brownies, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Sports and more, sacrificing much of her own time to support her kids. We could always lean on her when things were tough and some times they were. Dad was a career army officer so we were constantly on the move. It was difficult moving around often as kids and she knew that it took a toll on us. She was the glue that held our family together during these trying times. She was our protector. She was our rock. Mom could pack up a house, travel with 3 kids on her own, sign the papers on a new house and move us in. And she did this countless times. Perhaps her childhood made her strong enough to deal with the emotional and logistical challenges of frequent moves from base to base, town to town and country to country. She certainly was a pro.



I have so many great memories of my mom, too many memories to recount here. In addition to my own memories, though, I know mom loved daily Yahtzee games with dad, playing Pinochle with Uncle Bill and Bridge with Auntie Marg and Uncle Jim, her perennial trip to the State Fair with Auntie Bobbie, going to church with Auntie Rose and, of course, attending our large family gatherings throughout the year. It is difficult to imagine how much her loss will impact these traditions.



Mom was such a selfless and generous person. She had a huge heart and was a gracious host. Not many weekends passed without an impromptu dinner invite to mom and dad’s house. Any excuse to get the whole family together was good enough for mom. Dad usually grilled steaks and mom took care of the rest. Then it was usually game time or playtime with the grand kids. It gives me great joy knowing how happy those times together made her.



I was fortunate enough to have called mom the night before she was rushed to the hospital. It was the last real conversation I would ever have with her. We talked about our recent trip to Rhode Island - she was concerned because we were flying again with our little one but was relieved when she found we had all returned home safely. We went on to talk about our family and how important we all were to her, especially her 2 beautiful grandchildren. She said she was so proud of us all and that she could not be happier.



We were all by mom’s side when she took her last breath in the early morning hours of January 17th. We were there for her, to comfort her, just as she had been there for us through the many years. While I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, I can’t help feel she was taken from us too early. She was too young. In the end, though, mom truly was happy to have nurtured such a close and loving family. And all of us who loved her so dearly can take true comfort in this. I know I do.



We love you mom and will miss you terribly.

**************************************************************************

Grab your mom if she is still here with you.  Give her a hug.  Tell her you love her and thank her for all the hard work and sacrifices (you may or may not know about) that she has made for you.

Audrey Jean Gerlach 1-16-44

Hi Mom.  I am sitting here thinking about you and I have to talk to you.

Today is hard for me.  It's almost three years since you have gone and I can't help but being mad that you left us.  You left me to raise my girls without your constant presence to say, "Lori, do it the right way.  Not the WRONG way."

You left me to figure out life without you.  To be upset at work and not have you tell me that it will be ok.  You left me to figure out how to deal with my complicated husband.  You left me with too long pants because noone can hem them like you can.  And you left me so that I am  mom-less.

WHY?  I am so angry right now.  I know you are so much happier being with God.  He's a cool dude.  But I can't help but be angry right now.  You were so amazing with your crazy thoughts and sage advice. You let me know that hey, this is the way it should be and if you don't do it this way, you suck. 

You were amazing.

I can't imagine moving us three kids and a dog around as often as you did.  I would need to be heavily medicated to do that.  You accomplished this with grace and nobility.  You called who you had to call and you did the things you had to do.  I wouldn't be able to accomplish that.

Growing up was hard for you.  You had a weird upbringing that was not as normal as most people.  Your mom and dad were somewhat crazy and had tons of problems which resulted in you living with a foster home.  But somehow you were able to communicate and develop realtionships with so many people and marry dad and carry on such a good life.  I love you for that.

 Lately I'm unable to get through the day without biting my tongue at something stupid I've said or done.  I don't think you have ever felt that way.  Your amazingness and ability to adapt to situations make me so envious.  If I could just tell you one more time how much I love you and respect you it would be worth gold.

After you died I felt your presence two times in my car.  I don't know why it was there but it was. I was driving and I would look over and all of a sudden I felt you. You were there, grabbing onto the fear bar and you were with me.  But that was it.  Then I didn't feel you for almost 3 years.

But a few weeks ago, there you were again.  Holding onto the fear bar and with me as I drove through the snow to get to work.  You didn't judge me.  You didn't tell me how I sucked. You just held onto the fear bar and laughed at something I said.  And all I could think was why can't you judge me again. I would take the judging over you being gone from my life any day.  Your strength in judement was so much more powerful than your absence.

I love you mom. I love you so much and I am so sorry I was not the daughter that was able to show you the most love.

I LOVE YOU MOM.

You are in and will be in my thoughts.

Lor

I have to!

I have to post.  It is just way too long and the old post that shows up each time I go to my blog is grating on my nerves!

I decided that since I don't post much I will post a recap of the last few months.  It's easier, dirtier and quicker.

* Dan continues to be an awesome husband.  He continually shows his love for his family and always makes me laugh.  December 4th he will be going to Gracie's kindergarten to talk about working at the refinery.  He sat down and made an outline of what he will say and he got the students little chotskies to get them amped up!  Gracie is so excited!

* I have currently dropped 26 pounds.  Ok after Thanksgiving 24 . . . tomato - tomahtoe.  It's not too hard as long as I stick with my diet.  I love that I have some pre pregnancy clothes that I can wear again and can't wait to wear some others! 

* Gracie is a level 4 training team gymnast.  She is still enjoying it and will be going three times a week for two and a half hours.  It will be intensive but it takes a lot to make a champion! =)  She really enjoys it still so the plan as of now is to keep her in it.

* Bubba Auddie (Auddie girl) is doing well.  She eats  A LOT.  She is saying mama and claps.  She knows who Buddy, Mama, Daddy, and Sissy are and can pick them out in a room.  My sweet baby has only one tooth still and is working on getting some more but is taking her time.  I can't believe she will be one in such a short time.  I was so blessed to have had such a wonderful time with my infant baby this time.  I can't believe how smoothly it went and I would do it again in a heartbeat if they weren't so expensive.  I think I may regret that when we are all older but right now it's what is best for our family.

* Buddy is slowly growing into senior citizen dog.  He's slowing down but will always surprise us with a burst of energy every now and then.  I love that dog.  He is an amazing animal and has such a good demeanor.  I did catch that naughty bird eating a turky carcass on the front lawn yesterday.  NOTE: we did not have a turkey at home to have provided said turkey carcass so that naughty boy got it from someone's trash.  Let's keep that on the down low. 

We almost got another dog from the pound recently.  It was a miniature pinscer and pretty cute but such a puppy.  My house is so messy and hairy (you could blanket the upper midwest with the amount of hair that Buddy Lee sheds) that I just can't commit to another dog.  They say that if you get a dog when you have another dog in the home already, the new dog will adopt many of the old dogs personality traits. I would love to have another Buddy Lee Gerten.

* Back to me!  I'm doing well.  I'm loving my job again and have come to terms with all the things I was complaining about earlier.  I have a wonderful co-worker who is my mentor and has talked me down from many a ledge.  She is an amazing woman, mother, teacher, and friend and I wish I could bottle up what she has and drink it every day.  She keeps things real for me and I hope to have half of what she has as a teacher.

So that's me in a nut shell. No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"   Anyone name that quote.

Be good people and remember that as we grow older we grow wiser!  At least that's what someone told me once.