Birthday hat and card courtesy of Grace Gerten
Today I celebrate my 35th birthday. 36th but we acknowledge that first one as 0, when really it's birth day 1! I don't get that either.
I love my birthday. Not because I can make it all about me but because it gives me a chance to reflect back on the past year and my life thus far. Although making it about me is always been a fav of mine!
So my reflection:
I always pictured 35 as a milestone that would mark me at a different place in my life. I don't feel sad that I'm not in that place but I sure thought I would be.
Don't get me wrong. I am in a great place! I have a wonderful family, great job, fabulous children, stupendous husband, and good friends. But wow 35!! HOLY COW! I can round up to 40 already.
I thought I would have my master's degree in education by now. And it bugs me that I still am scared to go back to school. I'm 35 for Pete's sake. It's something that can be done. I don't know what fear is holding me back. Is it money? Is it committment to school? Is it fear of failure? School was always very difficult for me both academically and socially. To think that I would go back and fail a class makes me have major anxiety that I just want to stuff in a nice box, tape it shut, and throw it out to sea. So if I could magically get my master's degree in education that would be great! Accio master's degree!
One other thing I thought was that my mom would be here with me celebrating with us. It still is weird and lame that she is gone. Grace, Auddie girl, and I went to her grave today. It was nice to talk to her. Both girls were sitting on my lap and we just sat and thought about Nana for awhile.
I also thought that my children would be older by this point. I'm still in disbelief that I have a toddler at this point. They are the highlights of my day but I was thinking they'd be pushing 8-10ish.
One thing I have learned in my 35 years is that there is a reason everything happens the way it does. God has a plan for me and I just have to hitch on for the ride and trust in that. It may not be what we might want but it's what He wants for us and that is so much more important.
But here is the CLINCHER:
What realy stinks about hitting the mid 30's is that I FINALLY figured out how wonderful lfe is. I get it now. I understand what to celebrate, what to shun, and what is most important in the grand scheme of things. But why oh why did it have to be in my 30's? Why don't we get that opportunity in our teens? Life would have been so much easier and wonderful if I knew then what I know now.
Maybe that means I will live a healthy, happy life until my late 100 teens or so! Because I feel as if I discovered the secret of life in seeing how wonderful it is.
So Happy birthday to me! Here's to a great year with endless possibilities.
Mwah!
PS I'll read this in my 40's and think about how I always make things all about me. You should have seen me in my 20's. Sheesh.
6 comments:
You're still as gorgeous as ever :)
Love the birthday stuff Gracie made ya!
Your birthday is my wedding anniversary! This post was wonderful, insightful and thought provoking. I hope your next 30 years are amazing!
Happy birthday! Are we going to get together this summer or what??
Another great post, cuz!
Holy Carp! I missed your birthday (I was too busy telling embarrassing stories at Girls Camp)! Lame-O best friend.
I love you so much! It is a beautiful thing to finally discover how to be happy. Our friendship is a constant source of joy for me (see, it's not all about you all the time; the rest of the time it's all about ME!)
Happy 35, I'll be joining you shortly. Love you!
Your b-day post makes me think about a conversation I had with my teenage girl, Dani, and how I wanted to impart words of wisdom about dealing with chubbiness in the teen years. She was complaining about how hard it was to stay consistent with health goals, and I was trying to explain that in the end, it's a motivation that has to come from the inside, that your desire to treat your body in a healthy way, to experience the joys of good health, has to be stronger than the constant desire to satisfy yourself with food. I tried to explain the thrill of meeting challenges for yourself, the joy that comes from fulfilling long-term goals instead of the momentary pleasure of instant gratification, but inevitable crash that comes later.
So, I too, understand what you are saying about, "Oh, if only I could have seen life as a teenager the way I do now!" Yep, I would have had so much more peace and lasting joy, instead of angst and withdrawal. But that's adolescence. It's a trial by fire that we all go through. I just hope I can help it to be less painful for my children.
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