Hi Mom. I am sitting here thinking about you and I have to talk to you.
Today is hard for me. It's almost three years since you have gone and I can't help but being mad that you left us. You left me to raise my girls without your constant presence to say, "Lori, do it the right way. Not the WRONG way."
You left me to figure out life without you. To be upset at work and not have you tell me that it will be ok. You left me to figure out how to deal with my complicated husband. You left me with too long pants because noone can hem them like you can. And you left me so that I am mom-less.
WHY? I am so angry right now. I know you are so much happier being with God. He's a cool dude. But I can't help but be angry right now. You were so amazing with your crazy thoughts and sage advice. You let me know that hey, this is the way it should be and if you don't do it this way, you suck.
You were amazing.
I can't imagine moving us three kids and a dog around as often as you did. I would need to be heavily medicated to do that. You accomplished this with grace and nobility. You called who you had to call and you did the things you had to do. I wouldn't be able to accomplish that.
Growing up was hard for you. You had a weird upbringing that was not as normal as most people. Your mom and dad were somewhat crazy and had tons of problems which resulted in you living with a foster home. But somehow you were able to communicate and develop realtionships with so many people and marry dad and carry on such a good life. I love you for that.
Lately I'm unable to get through the day without biting my tongue at something stupid I've said or done. I don't think you have ever felt that way. Your amazingness and ability to adapt to situations make me so envious. If I could just tell you one more time how much I love you and respect you it would be worth gold.
After you died I felt your presence two times in my car. I don't know why it was there but it was. I was driving and I would look over and all of a sudden I felt you. You were there, grabbing onto the fear bar and you were with me. But that was it. Then I didn't feel you for almost 3 years.
But a few weeks ago, there you were again. Holding onto the fear bar and with me as I drove through the snow to get to work. You didn't judge me. You didn't tell me how I sucked. You just held onto the fear bar and laughed at something I said. And all I could think was why can't you judge me again. I would take the judging over you being gone from my life any day. Your strength in judement was so much more powerful than your absence.
I love you mom. I love you so much and I am so sorry I was not the daughter that was able to show you the most love.
I LOVE YOU MOM.
You are in and will be in my thoughts.
Lor
