Dwelling

Hi.  Right now I'm dwelling.  I'm dwelling on my mom's passing and sitting here thinking about how life isn't fair.  My mom got dealt a crappy hand of cards.  She wouldn't have even been able to pull off two of a kind and World Poker is out of the question.

I was talking with my dad tonight and expressing with him how she got dealt such a bad hand and how life wasn't fair for her from the time she was born.  I then asked God, "What's the point?  Why did you bring someone into this life to struggle frequently?  What is her legacy?" 

Then I thought, "WE are her legacy.  Her children (who albeit were somewhat whacked due to being Army brats) are her legacy.  Somehow we all turned out ok due to her ways in raising us.  Her marriage to my dad for 38 years is her legacy.  Her hard working philosophy is her legacy.  Her ability to survive what she dealt with growing up and coming out relatively unscathed is her legacy.  Her being an Army wife is her legacy.

The list went on and on from there and put the loss of my mom into (a little) more perspective.  Don't get me wrong - I'd love to have one more converstaion with her about life but it makes this grieving process just a wee bit easier knowing that she has managed so many good things.

Below is a copy of her eulogy that my brother Rob wrote for her funeral.  I haven't read this or seen it since her funeral three years ago and I don't want to read it now because  I don't want to cry.  But I want it here so it's available for me in time.




***************************************************

Mom’s Eulogy




Thank you all for joining my family to commemorate the life of my mom. You may have known her as a wife, mother, sister, relative, friend, colleague or simply, as Nana. Regardless of the relationship, mom touched all of our hearts in one way or another.



Mom was born and raised in St. Cloud but moved around quite a bit as a child. Mom met dad in 1967 and they were married in 1969. During their 37 years of marriage, they raised 3 children, Stacey, Lori and myself. Mom spent much of her career caring for other people. She worked as a nurse in the Emergency Unit at Saint Joe’s hospital and later went on to work in Hospice at Lake Ridge Nursing Home where she gave much of herself to help those who were suffering. Mom eventually left nursing and moved into Sales and Advertising and soon after built a respectable advertising business. It was a profitable enterprise and she took great pride in the quality of her product. Mom, with her affable personality, was exceptional at sales and enjoyed working with her clients. She never sacrificed the quality of her magazine or the service she provided for her clients. On the day she was taken to the hospital, even after suffering a severe stroke, she attempted several times to unhook the IVs connected to her so she could get out of bed to go home and start this quarter’s magazine. Her clients were depending on her and she wasn’t going to let them down. With some extra coaxing, she finally settled down but then proclaimed, “Well…, this is a fine kettle of fish.” We had never heard her say these words but she would utter them a couple more times while in the hospital, as she was aware of her circumstances and knew they weren’t good. We later learned this was something her father often said.



Family was the greatest source of joy in mom’s life. She was so proud of all of us. While growing up, mom was active in many of our activities such as CCD, Brownies, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, Sports and more, sacrificing much of her own time to support her kids. We could always lean on her when things were tough and some times they were. Dad was a career army officer so we were constantly on the move. It was difficult moving around often as kids and she knew that it took a toll on us. She was the glue that held our family together during these trying times. She was our protector. She was our rock. Mom could pack up a house, travel with 3 kids on her own, sign the papers on a new house and move us in. And she did this countless times. Perhaps her childhood made her strong enough to deal with the emotional and logistical challenges of frequent moves from base to base, town to town and country to country. She certainly was a pro.



I have so many great memories of my mom, too many memories to recount here. In addition to my own memories, though, I know mom loved daily Yahtzee games with dad, playing Pinochle with Uncle Bill and Bridge with Auntie Marg and Uncle Jim, her perennial trip to the State Fair with Auntie Bobbie, going to church with Auntie Rose and, of course, attending our large family gatherings throughout the year. It is difficult to imagine how much her loss will impact these traditions.



Mom was such a selfless and generous person. She had a huge heart and was a gracious host. Not many weekends passed without an impromptu dinner invite to mom and dad’s house. Any excuse to get the whole family together was good enough for mom. Dad usually grilled steaks and mom took care of the rest. Then it was usually game time or playtime with the grand kids. It gives me great joy knowing how happy those times together made her.



I was fortunate enough to have called mom the night before she was rushed to the hospital. It was the last real conversation I would ever have with her. We talked about our recent trip to Rhode Island - she was concerned because we were flying again with our little one but was relieved when she found we had all returned home safely. We went on to talk about our family and how important we all were to her, especially her 2 beautiful grandchildren. She said she was so proud of us all and that she could not be happier.



We were all by mom’s side when she took her last breath in the early morning hours of January 17th. We were there for her, to comfort her, just as she had been there for us through the many years. While I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, I can’t help feel she was taken from us too early. She was too young. In the end, though, mom truly was happy to have nurtured such a close and loving family. And all of us who loved her so dearly can take true comfort in this. I know I do.



We love you mom and will miss you terribly.

**************************************************************************

Grab your mom if she is still here with you.  Give her a hug.  Tell her you love her and thank her for all the hard work and sacrifices (you may or may not know about) that she has made for you.

Audrey Jean Gerlach 1-16-44

Hi Mom.  I am sitting here thinking about you and I have to talk to you.

Today is hard for me.  It's almost three years since you have gone and I can't help but being mad that you left us.  You left me to raise my girls without your constant presence to say, "Lori, do it the right way.  Not the WRONG way."

You left me to figure out life without you.  To be upset at work and not have you tell me that it will be ok.  You left me to figure out how to deal with my complicated husband.  You left me with too long pants because noone can hem them like you can.  And you left me so that I am  mom-less.

WHY?  I am so angry right now.  I know you are so much happier being with God.  He's a cool dude.  But I can't help but be angry right now.  You were so amazing with your crazy thoughts and sage advice. You let me know that hey, this is the way it should be and if you don't do it this way, you suck. 

You were amazing.

I can't imagine moving us three kids and a dog around as often as you did.  I would need to be heavily medicated to do that.  You accomplished this with grace and nobility.  You called who you had to call and you did the things you had to do.  I wouldn't be able to accomplish that.

Growing up was hard for you.  You had a weird upbringing that was not as normal as most people.  Your mom and dad were somewhat crazy and had tons of problems which resulted in you living with a foster home.  But somehow you were able to communicate and develop realtionships with so many people and marry dad and carry on such a good life.  I love you for that.

 Lately I'm unable to get through the day without biting my tongue at something stupid I've said or done.  I don't think you have ever felt that way.  Your amazingness and ability to adapt to situations make me so envious.  If I could just tell you one more time how much I love you and respect you it would be worth gold.

After you died I felt your presence two times in my car.  I don't know why it was there but it was. I was driving and I would look over and all of a sudden I felt you. You were there, grabbing onto the fear bar and you were with me.  But that was it.  Then I didn't feel you for almost 3 years.

But a few weeks ago, there you were again.  Holding onto the fear bar and with me as I drove through the snow to get to work.  You didn't judge me.  You didn't tell me how I sucked. You just held onto the fear bar and laughed at something I said.  And all I could think was why can't you judge me again. I would take the judging over you being gone from my life any day.  Your strength in judement was so much more powerful than your absence.

I love you mom. I love you so much and I am so sorry I was not the daughter that was able to show you the most love.

I LOVE YOU MOM.

You are in and will be in my thoughts.

Lor

I have to!

I have to post.  It is just way too long and the old post that shows up each time I go to my blog is grating on my nerves!

I decided that since I don't post much I will post a recap of the last few months.  It's easier, dirtier and quicker.

* Dan continues to be an awesome husband.  He continually shows his love for his family and always makes me laugh.  December 4th he will be going to Gracie's kindergarten to talk about working at the refinery.  He sat down and made an outline of what he will say and he got the students little chotskies to get them amped up!  Gracie is so excited!

* I have currently dropped 26 pounds.  Ok after Thanksgiving 24 . . . tomato - tomahtoe.  It's not too hard as long as I stick with my diet.  I love that I have some pre pregnancy clothes that I can wear again and can't wait to wear some others! 

* Gracie is a level 4 training team gymnast.  She is still enjoying it and will be going three times a week for two and a half hours.  It will be intensive but it takes a lot to make a champion! =)  She really enjoys it still so the plan as of now is to keep her in it.

* Bubba Auddie (Auddie girl) is doing well.  She eats  A LOT.  She is saying mama and claps.  She knows who Buddy, Mama, Daddy, and Sissy are and can pick them out in a room.  My sweet baby has only one tooth still and is working on getting some more but is taking her time.  I can't believe she will be one in such a short time.  I was so blessed to have had such a wonderful time with my infant baby this time.  I can't believe how smoothly it went and I would do it again in a heartbeat if they weren't so expensive.  I think I may regret that when we are all older but right now it's what is best for our family.

* Buddy is slowly growing into senior citizen dog.  He's slowing down but will always surprise us with a burst of energy every now and then.  I love that dog.  He is an amazing animal and has such a good demeanor.  I did catch that naughty bird eating a turky carcass on the front lawn yesterday.  NOTE: we did not have a turkey at home to have provided said turkey carcass so that naughty boy got it from someone's trash.  Let's keep that on the down low. 

We almost got another dog from the pound recently.  It was a miniature pinscer and pretty cute but such a puppy.  My house is so messy and hairy (you could blanket the upper midwest with the amount of hair that Buddy Lee sheds) that I just can't commit to another dog.  They say that if you get a dog when you have another dog in the home already, the new dog will adopt many of the old dogs personality traits. I would love to have another Buddy Lee Gerten.

* Back to me!  I'm doing well.  I'm loving my job again and have come to terms with all the things I was complaining about earlier.  I have a wonderful co-worker who is my mentor and has talked me down from many a ledge.  She is an amazing woman, mother, teacher, and friend and I wish I could bottle up what she has and drink it every day.  She keeps things real for me and I hope to have half of what she has as a teacher.

So that's me in a nut shell. No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"   Anyone name that quote.

Be good people and remember that as we grow older we grow wiser!  At least that's what someone told me once.

For Fun

Anne had this on her blog so I stole it and put it on mine!

Outside my window… the sun is shining and the leaves are coming off the tree




I am thinking… I really don't want to pluck my eyebrows but they are beginning to look like two furry caterpillars mating so I don't have much of a choice.


I am thankful for… My two beautiful girls who are healthy and happy.  And sometimes a little too sassy!


In my kitchen… A fresh pot of Caribou Coffee.


I am wearing… A long sleeve black shirt and pair of brown sweat pants.  I'm a hot mess.




I am creating… A blog post instead of spending quality time with my girls.




I am going… To the annual Gerlach/Gerten fish fry tonight. 




I am reading… The Other Boleyn Girl.  Again.




I am hoping… That things get better at school.




I am hearing… Bubba whining in her pack and play for me to pay attention to her and the scratch of crayons on the coloring book Grace is coloring. 




Around the house… A freakin' mess.




One of my favorite things right now… Watching Gracie do gymnastics.




A few plans for the weekend… Tonight: Fish Fry.  Tomorrow: Nephew's birthday party.


A picture to share…

Hi! I'm Negative Nelly. It's nice to meet you!

I've been in this weird place for about 6 weeks now. It's not an altogether horrible place where no fun can be had and everything is always crappy. But it's a place like an amusement park visit when you were younger. It's so much fun, you are so exicted to go but when you get there it's always sweaty freaking hot and the lines are so long you only get to go on about 8 rides the whole day. Not to mention that your inner thighs have major chafing because you went on the water ride and now are soaking wet walking through the park. Maybe that was just me. I have always had bigger thighs.

Anywho: I still deep down love life and am enjoying all the good parts but I'm just so annoyed with the things that are going on in my job. I feel so out of control with certain students that I have and the new curriculum that they threw at us for reading, phonics, oral language, and guided reading. Plus the amount of assessment that we had to do the first month or so of school has made me batty. Between PALS, and Words Their Way, Math, and Mondo assessing (which unforunately was double dipping the kids because we assessed them on the same things TWO times), I have not been able to teach much. We have conference prep day in a week and I have to write report cards for my students and I feel as if I haven't done any teaching. I certainly don't want to write their report cards based on their assessments from September but seriously, what the heck else can I assess them on??????

I won't go into the certain students that I feel out of control with. That would just not be fair to them and unethical but I would like to talk about things that are broken.

Like our education system. Seriously????? Really????? We are stuck in a system based on the 1800's. Yeah it makes so much sense that the kids get summers off still because I know they have to go and harvest all the crops in August. Growin' and plantin' season is over so let's make sure that these especially needy inner city kids have a summer off to go gather the life sustaining crops their families will need to get them through the long, cold Minnesota winter. It deesn't make sense but yet we stick to it.

Now I'm not saying I would be thrilled to teach school year round (no air conditioning at Frost Lake), and I'm not saying that I wouldn't be thrilled to teach year round school. I'm just expressing the ridiculousness of how we need our system to change and yet we are still stuck in a system based on a long time ago. That frustrates me to no end.

Although I won't go too deeply into my students I will say that there are two who require almost all of my individual attention throughout the day for various reasons. They are on their way to getting some other kinds of help in the school, but they are draining my time (and energy) of servicing and educating the entire rest of the class. How is that fair to those other children? I won't say anymore.

I feel so ineffective this year. I think about all that I could be doing with my students but feel like things are set up so that I am unable to maximize their learning potential. That bugs the carp out of me. I also feel (even after ten years) ill-prepared to conference with parents. We don't really get any training on it but yet we are still supposed to convey messages to parents that they might not want to hear and do it properly. That is such a crime that there is not training or in services to help new and old teachers deal with this. Most teachers do get it during their student teaching, but mine was such that we had goal setting conferences in August, not 'how your kid is doing' conferences in November. And even though student teachers might be introduced to it during their student teaching, they may not get a cross section of experiences for each child with whom they will deal the rest of their career.

Also, something that needs to be fixed (but not necessarily with comp. pay) is the tenure system. If a teacher sucks, they should be fired. Period. Not shuffled around to another school in the district year after year after year. And contrary to popular belief a teacher does not necessarily suck if their children do not do well on the standardized tests. That is not a great measure. There are many people who are paid to sit and discuss better ways in which to pay a teacher. Please (those people) find one that doesn't include a system of inept teachers who are unable to teach and reach their children. Please (those people) let this system not include standardized testing as the measure because it is not a correct evaluation with all the factors that go into that equation.

I'm hesitant about posting this post. It is so not normal of me to post my opine on the internet but I'm just so jaded right now.



Negative Nelly is signing off.

July 20, 2002

That was the day I lucked out and married a great guy.

It was also extremely hot and muggy but I will save that post for some other day.

This evening after an emotional time of taking my 5 year old to Kindergarten open house my little family went out to dinner at Applebee's. Kids eat for $0.99 and they have a make your own sundae bar with awesome fixings!

As we were working our way through the appetizers (ok - Dan, Grace, Auddie were working their way through the appetizers. . .. I had to unfortunately pass on the ooey gooey mozzarella sticks), an older gentleman (who was very tall and somewhat heavy) and his middle aged son were paying for their dinner and getting ready to leave. The older gentleman had a difficult time walking and needed help from his son to assist him out the door and to the car.

They never made it past the lobby (which was a few feet in front of us). The old man was unable to continue walking and just collapsed on the floor. I was already an emotional wreck from Kindergarten open house (and knowing I'm sending my baby off to the wolves) so this set me over the edge.

My wonderful, thoughtful, strong muscled (yummy!) husband got up and proceeded to help the older gentleman to the waiting booth in the lobby. Remember he was a bigger guy and needed to be carried to the seat to sit.

Dan then helped him sit down and rearranged his body so that he was comfortable and not hanging off the seat. Then Dan waited with the gentleman while the son to got a wheelchair from his car.

As I sat back and watched this emotional scene unfold I couldn't help but think how freakin' lucky I am to have married someone with such good core values and good morals. What a wonderful model for Grace to see. Knowing her dad is someone who is helpful and caring will be ingrained in her forever now and just raised the bar for the guy whom she may marry. Good luck to that schmuck! =)

Why did I luck out like this? I don't know.

I just know that saying "I do" to Dan on July 20, 2002 was the smartest thing I've ever done.

Please consider

I have just visited GoPetition and found the following page very interesting:
http://www.gopetition.com/online/26696.html

Last night I was touched by a story shown on the news in New Mexico. This horrifying story was about a 5 month old baby girl who died at the abuse of her parents and uncle. I will not go into detail about the abuse. I don't suggest you google this story either as it is horrific and ridiculously painful to believe something like this actually happened. I do ask you to sign the petition located at the above mentioned link.

I don't "have" many causes but this one has left an impression on me that I can't get rid of.

Thank you.

EEEK!!!

We went up to our cabin this weekend. It was a great day yesterday. I had one of the most fun and memorable days of my life. Seriously it is probably in the top ten of best days ever.

Unfortunately today as we were over at the swimmin' hole I noticed Buddy sniffing and pawing at something and then jumping back every now and then. I couldn't see anything (because it was freakin' camoflaged). I searched a little more and it was a snake. A BIG. FAT. SCARY. SNAKE. BASKING. IN. THE. SUN! I have not seen a snake like that ever in the open.

I proceeced to freak out and screamed for Gracie and Lenny to get out of the water and go up the other set of the stairs opposite where lay the slithering, scary, serpent. I know. The snake was looking at me like "what? I'm just laying here". I was sooooo freaked out by the time I made it to the top of the stairs and by the time Dan figured out what was going on and spotted the snake that I was shaking and unable to move from my rooted spot. Thankfully Grace wasn't too scared about it all. I was horribly embarrassed! The snake then slithered on away (it was huge and must have taken 3 minutes to slither from it's spot 4 feet from shore into the water).

We ended up leaving the cabin for home at that point because I was a wreck by then.

After an hour or so of driving, we started joking about it all and named the snake "Roger". I was commenting that Roger was probably just on his way home from church and stopped to check out the freshly mown grass. Then his day went to pot as he saw Buddy and heard the screaming, crying lady who would not shut up!

I swear it was the scariest thing I have ever seen!!!

Here is a picture of Rog:




I photoshopped a picture of a crocodile in it for a comparison.





Seriously. ... it felt like it was that big.

DC baby! (parte uno)

We arrived back from VA on Wednesday, June 24th (my birthday if the date seemed familiar but slipped your mind).

It was a great trip with lots of busy-ness, fun, walking, eating, and just enjoying ourselves!

Connie's graduation was superbly pulled off and it was cool to be able to see and be places where most normal "civilians" aren't allowed to be! By the way: does anyone know about the deer at Quantico? They are crazy! They stand around and there are a ton of them. They let you get up close to them and graze and lie down on the grass in extremely close proximity to the parking lots. I wonder how the deer became so friendly and so right in your face.

Our flight out there was horrid! The turbulence was bad and there was weather over Reagan Airport so we couldn't land. We had to land at Dulles (about 40 minute drive) because no planes were landing at Reagan at the time. So because there were no runways open we were in a holding pattern for 30 minutes before we landed.

Since all air traffic was being diverted to Dulles we then had to wait an hour or so before we had a gate in which to park the plane. The 4 kids with us were saints! Many a passenger gave them compliments about how patient they were and how well-behaved they were. It can't be that hard though when you have a tray table to put all your cool colors on or you brought your DS or Bakugons to play with!

We finally got to the gate and then had to wait another hour so that they could clean the plane and do their required maintanence before take off. We really didn't want to fly again. Dan and I are both scared of flying and were not looking forward to an unexpected take off and landing that we were not mentally prepared for. We were told we could get off but we wouldn't have our checked stuff taken off with us. No car seats, no luggage. . . nada. So we sat through it.

These are pictures of how everyone kept busy. Good old Auddie Girl was so wonderful!

Traffic

So here we are in DC. There's traffic. Everywhere. Each way. All the time. Left right. North South. You name it!

We are actually in Dumfries. Not DC.

More later!